No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
