Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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