I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Sober January is a disaster.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
