we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
