You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
