There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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