I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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