she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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