She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
