Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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