Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
The air was thick with penises
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Randomize
