the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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