I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
so let's talk penis.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
