When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
