I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
