My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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