Got a toothbrush?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
