I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He better not be in your backpack
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Randomize
