ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize