Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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