Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
