Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize