I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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