party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize