Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
