and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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