At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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