it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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