John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
How naked do you want me to be?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
