I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize