The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
