rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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