dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
