I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
