are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
