she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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