Swine flu. Run for my life!
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
