I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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