My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
