I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I'm having to shit out rocks
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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