And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
