my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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