Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
