I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
