I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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