Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
They have beer where we have blood.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
