All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
There's always time for handjobs
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Randomize
