Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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