sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
