hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
