the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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