he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
