talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
