Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
